Of Fear and Dreams

I almost gave up my dream yesterday.

Laugh not. Its true.

I told myself -- and a local photography studio -- that I was not sure whether I want to be pursuing my own photography business. This photographer and I were discussing whether it would be a conflict of interest for me to help him out with marketing for his studio. And I almost convinced myself that I would never really be a photographer, so I should just give up now.

I tried to tell myself that I would be content if I just settled for being around a photographer and helping someone else grow their business.

What?

Really?

Did I actually just say that???!?!?!

In one set of emails, I almost gave up the one thing I want more than anything else. I almost compromised my ideals, my philosophy of photography, and my love for people -- all because I am petrified that I will fail.

Yes, I'm scared. Terrified, in fact.

I can't do this.

Its too big.

I love taking pictures, but there's no way in the world that I will EVER be able to support myself doing this.

But [deep breath] ... I have to ask: Where's my dedication? My motivation? My passion for what I love? Am I really going to give up just because I had a lousy day and feel like a failure?

I told myself, and this photographer, that I didn't really care whether my photography is ever my livelihood. "My main passion is for photography -- developing my interest, honing my skills. The weddings and portraits I do are nice to help pay for the extra toys I like add to my photographic arsenal."

I wrote it, I sent it, and then I thought about it.

Its not true.

Yeah, I'm scared. But I'm not going to let that stop me. I might never be the next Jasmine Star or Becker, but I can be Jenni Marie. And, more than that: I can be the best Jenni Marie in the world.

I won't be helping this other photographer market his business. He made that decision before I had time to tell him to stop considering my marketing proposal.

Instead, I'm gonna be a photographer.
Me.
A photographer.
Its what I am.
I can't deny it.

I don't know where this will take me, but here I am.

I am Jenni Marie and I am going to be the best photographer possible. I am going to ignore the fear that keeps threatening to cripple me. I am going to stop worrying about what others think about me, my photography, my style, or my business.

I'm gonna take photos. And you can't stop me.

And someday ... somehow... my camera will be my sole livelihood.

Now you know. Mark it down. Its gonna happen.

My Kind of Marathon

Some people run marathons. I shoot marathons.

Its the dawning of my last day of this whirlwind how-many-shoots-can-I-do-in-the-four-days-of-Thanksgiving.

And, so far, I'm surviving. :-)

(Please note the multiple cameras around my neck, the pile of coats and props that I end up commandeering, and the camera bag on my back. Its like preparing for war...)




In other news, I'm heading out the door in a few hours to shoot Brett and Brittany's wedding and, thanks to the modern technology of cell phone cameras, I got to see their rehearsal dinner cake, debuted last night.



Pretty sweet, huh??

That's my photo work!!

In case you're wondering, I think its SUPER cool and am now officially considering myself famous. I mean, if something I shot was actually eaten...how much more famous can you get??

:-P

Enough randomness. Seriously.

My Morning

I tried to ignore my alarm this morning. Desperately didn't want to get out of bed. It was cooold, too, and exiting the land of dreams and cozy comforters wasn't high on my "to-do" list.

Unfortunately, though, the day called my name. Repeatedly.

I thought about skipping my morning run and replacing the endorphin high with a a few extra minutes under the blankets. I thought about hitting snooze one more time.

But the more I thought, the more I woke up. And the more alert I became, the more I realized that I HAD to get out of bed.

And that's when I noticed the only reason I like this whole daylight savings time system that makes it depressingly dark by time I leave work.

Sunshine in the morning.

Warm, happy light that peeks through my window shades and makes cheery patterns on my wall.

So instead of hitting "snooze" again, I grabbed my camera and took a picture.




(And, yes, the morning run happened. If I'm awake enough to take a picture, I'm awake enough to realize that a run is a good option for starting the day.)

Capturing

I see things differently when I'm looking through my camera.

My perspective on life isn't just limited because I'm peering through a little hole in the back of my camera. Although, there definitely is that factor as well.

Instead, I capture the moments and then I relive them. And, when you're shooting 600 pictures in an hour, you capture idiosyncracies, interactions, and attitudes in a way that you just don't recognize when seeing them live-action. Add to that the fact that I have to then go through those 600 images and analyze for facial expression, lighting, posture, exposure, composition, and personality (etc, etc, etc) before selecting the best images.

I see the same scene over and over and over again. Suddenly, I feel like I know my subject. After interacting in person and then reliving those moments over and over again, you catch the little details.

The way Dad adores his son and can't take his eyes off him. Or the sass big sister gives to her little brothers (no matter how many years they've had to antagonize each other). The love that pours from a wife toward her husband, no matter how many years they've been married. The love that shows just in the way he looks at him. I capture the goofiness in brothers - both old and young.

Yes, its beautiful.

A Smiling Day

I almost forgot what a good day feels like...and this is it: a very good day.

Yeah, so its been a rough couple of months. Rough, by the way, is an understatement. :-P I'll spare you the details, but the point is that today is a reminder that brighter days are to come. Today I am experiencing a beautiful day.

And what, you might ask, makes a beautiful day?

A smiling day is a beautiful sunset.


A smiling day is funky photographs of a really cute dog. (This is all in-camera, btw. No photoshopping here. :-P)


A smiling day is finally fixing the plethora of car problems - no more weird noises for me! - and changing the oil, thereby avoiding all things mechanical for a few more days/weeks/months I hope.



A smiling day does not involve a bad hair day and, therefore, is a good hair day. :-P (C'mon people, don't judge - I can be happy with my hair if I wanna be. So there.)


A smiling day is a long run before work.

[Nope. You ain't seeing no pictures of that sweaty goodness. No way Jose!]

But, most of all, a smiling day is recognizing the beautiful moments along the rocky way and gaining strength for the journey from those little moments of respite.



I enjoyed my day of smiles. So there.

Me, Happiest

From Roanoke Jo

This is me. At my happiest.

From Roanoke Jo